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  • Writer's picturePaige Harris

Replace My Childhood with Someone Else's

Wrapping myself up 

In lie after lie 

Compiling patchwork quilts 

Of all my mistakes

All of the reasons 

Why I'm not enough

Everyone is alone

Everyone feels alone

Fuck 

I'm alone

Loneliness 

Everyone is afraid of

How can you prevent 

Loneliness 

I feel so fucked up 

I can’t get close 

To anyone

Tell me I’m okay

Hold me

Squeeze me 

Until I feel 

My heart beating 

In my chest

Breathe. 

Breathe. 

Breathe.

Take my breath 

Stuff it back into me

Punch my lungs 

Cardinal birds

Chirp in my rib cage

"Can we come out?"

Begging 

To sing 

To spread their wings

I want them out

I feel guilty 

For trapping them in

How will they escape?

Out of my lungs?

Pry my rib cage open 

Let

Them

Out

Digging fingertips

In my skin

Feel my bones open

I'm afraid 

All I will find 

Is dead birds

Why waste my time?

I don’t belong

To anyone 

With anyone

My heart 

Hurts

My legs 

Weak

My stomach 

Sinking

Deeper

Deeper

Stop.

My head 

Full 

Of crow feathers 

My ears 

Stuffed 

With tar

Each foot lifted 

Like a bag of bones

Each hand shook 

Is cold

And dead

Corpses

I'm surrounded 

By corpses

I'm mourning 

The loss of myself 

Along with 

Ones walking 

Aimlessly around me

Take my hands 

Build me up

I sure as hell can’t

Stop.

My head 

Humming

My thoughts 

Daggers 

Stuck in the crevice 

Of my brain.

My eyes 

Sting 

Sour lemon memories 

Squeezed 

The moon is 

Lost

And 

So 

Am 

I

I'm mourning 

The loss of the alive things

Obsessing over 

The things 

That are 

Dead.

Mutter to me 

I’m normal

Mutter to me 

I'm loved

I can’t love 

Myself

Pushing back strands 

Of salt water hair 

Soaked 

From the ocean

Snails moving faster 

Than my thoughts

Pouring my heart out 

Cup your hands 

Don't let

The juices 

Seep through 

Fingertips

I am dripping

Holes puncturing 

My skin

My heart 

Sprung a leak

Put it all back

 Stop.

Tell me 

I'm dreaming

Tell me 

I'm nothing more 

Than a speck

 Stop.

Tell me 

I’m 5 again

Replace 

My childhood 

With someone else’s

I don’t recognize 

My own reflection

Lost in the forest 

Of my own 

God 

Damn 

Mind

Give me 

Fucking 

Compass 

All the landmarks 

Seem the same 

I cant

Recognize 

My way back home.

Stop.

Tell me

I'm more 

Than the skin 

I’ve been dragging around 

Like a wet jacket 

Jumping in puddles 

Seems like such a good idea

Walk with me?

Somebody?

Walk with me 

Make me feel 

Like a kid again

Double-dutch my head 

Away 

From wherever we are

I’ve been here 

For years 

I don't recognize 

Anything

When hopscotch 

Was an escape 

Butterscotch 

Coated my tongue

Everything 

Seemed 

Simple.


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